Tonight I woke to thunder as much needed rain flirted with the dry earth. Unable to sleep, I flipped “like a fish on dry land”, tying to come to some semblance of order in my mind in order to continue a long overdue addendum post to all patiently waiting, including yours truly. How to write the resolution, some kind of settling to end the self imposed stalemate? How to digest what I had before me? After sorting it again and again and deep examination of myself and my relationship to those involved I came to the following.
Even though I knew all of this intellectually, the initial shock and realization that power and acclaim, or perhaps an arrogance or narrow focus, desire for money, and success can pervert, causing good Christians to act like bad ones. This had become real because of personal experience. Funny how that works and many have gotten that dose. People forgetting who is really in control and should be. Humility flying out the window. They do some good things, even great things, but become usury and run roughshod over decent people in order to achieve their goals, and hardly noticing the damage done. This knowledge left me raw and stunned for quite awhile. It felt like betrayal. It made me sick to my stomach and my spirit cringed and withdrew into my cave. A cloud of heaviness descended, pressing me down. The cave is that place where we go to think it through, sort it out, come to conclusions as best we can so we can move on.
What I have seen is a competition for power and power for some people is addictive. Behind that is fear and perfectionism. Everyone is damaged in some way even though they may not be conscious of it. Some folks want to keep other folks in”their place.” If they disagree and show some independence or don’t follow the protocol constructed by the leadership then they are ridiculed, admonished, ostracized. If anyone dares to step outside the lines they are labeled as weird, damaged, even dangerous. Or, messed up to begin with and that is why they are reacting so strongly. I have two words for this thought thread. Cop – out.
Power can be the drug of choice and dangerous for Christians who want to be in alignment with Christ’s teachings whose one goal should be the soul, ours and everyone else’s!
“My goodness your posts are dark these days” they said. “You should say uplifting things because life is hard enough as it is!” “True, life is hard, but truth must be spoken and faced so we learn and grow” she replied. ” The mood will transition and naturally lighten. Love will keep bubbling up through me and you from the one who created love!” said she.
Speaking of souls, today is All Souls Day in the Catholic faith tradition. I will take the photos of my family and a remembrance of my aborted children as well, to place on the table surrounded by candles in colored glass and flowers in front of the church, and they will be there with all the other souls we will remember and pray for in the month of November. I will enter all the names into the big remembrance book with the rest whom have gone on ahead. This may seem strange to those unfamiliar with this practice, but it is comforting. Better than memorial day to see them all there together. I am grateful for it and invite other mothers and fathers of aborted or miscarried children who have given them names to do the same next “All Souls” as part of your healing process.